Silence

Silence is a freaky thing
Its not healthy to have more than enough time to think
Old memories come along
Ya think about people you regret ever meeting
All your demons eventually come out giving you worry and doubt or a fight if your feeling up to that
Silence can be beautiful as well but for me its hell
I have to make noise or turn on some jams silence makes me crazy
My mind wishes to have control and silence gives it the power to do so
But i cant control it even im functioning normally my mind plays tricks on me creeping things i should not be thinking in to my day
Making me make myself angry
I am not giving in though to have control I must first fight for it and conquer all those demons from my life
I choose to let them do they as they please because fighting them I am not ready for
I just ignore them until silence comes along then they take all my sanity and run

The Truth

I live in my own hell
I have some how between my past and negative thoughts my mind has become my own enemy
Even with evidence I still fall short of believing anything
Its instilled in me to ruin everything even my damn self
Everything I think of fuels me especially when it comes to you
I get very angry and possessive I feel death will fall upon me if someone else were to have you
But I cant control these negatives thoughts about you and others doing things that are not acceptable when your committed to someone
Jealousy runs through my blood stream I need you to only want me I crave you
Ill do some ridiculous things to keep you
Hell burns me each time I think this way
its unhealthy I cant stay here anymore…..

Just Sad

Im the worst cause nobody chooses to see the good in me
My flaws arent invisible to anybody though
everybody sees them crystal clear
Pointing them out time and time over again
My self esteem is really not that high anymore
over the years I have seemed to love myself less and less
Forgetting that I matter self destructing and shutting down
walking away that`s how I go through most of my days full of emotions ready to burst inn the most dangerous way
Nothing I do is good enough for any of you I do not know know why i try
I guess because I love you all no matter how far you all push me down

Misunderstood

Nobody understands me not even you I hate that I love you I wish it was easier to let go of you everything that`s big to me is so small to you I am not saying we wont disagree but dammit sometimes can you just understand and see how it spins hurt through my heart and soul I am not whining about these things because i enjoy it nooooo I am hurting from it I am going crazy over you ruining myself losing my mind I want us to be happy but you shut me down each time for how you feel things should be too make this work and how things you do are not unacceptable in your eyes unconditional love is loving me no matter if we have a few bad days no matter the issue we should give constant love and nothing less of just that I am tired of all the twists and turns listen to me as I should you. With an open mind so we can finally just explore our peaceful sides, reconnect on old levels i get joyful just thinking about how better we could be

New beginning

Here I am today scrambling through my life on the floor, with stress, and anxiety, weighing on my shoulders.

Again….

Trying to start a career but where do I begin? I have so many ideas I cant sit still. At the sign of failure I jump ship to next thing. Just trying to survive and do whats right by my daughter. For me everything I do is critical…

Anything that sets me back knocks me off track. Its hard to stay on a wild ride with no seat belts on the inside.